yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
