It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
home. puking in laundry basket.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I didn't notice because vodka
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Randomize
