R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
