Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize