My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
