he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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