Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
