Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
