I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I faked an abortion last night.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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