Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
