I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
