Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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