im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
