i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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