I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
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