I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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