Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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