just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Sober January is a disaster.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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