literally had 100 drinks last night.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
