Don't make out with my wife yet
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
