The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
