Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
