I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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