Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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