Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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