where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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