she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
