watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
