Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
