you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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