i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
