She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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