This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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