I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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