Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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