We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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