Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
