my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
