If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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