Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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