i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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