i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
