On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
