best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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