omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Sorry my hands just texted you
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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