well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
