I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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