You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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