The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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