I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
