can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
