I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
