I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
