Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
