Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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