Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
