Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
