I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
