She is in my trunk
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
