you guys were way drunker than both of me
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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