just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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