He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
