Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
