I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
