she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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