I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
