I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
