can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
