Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
